That's Not Your Backpack

That’s Not Your Backpack

Stress is such a huge factor in my life and I see stress affecting many of my friends who are in college. About a year ago, I started getting panic attacks that I found very difficult to control. The attacks made it hard to breathe and relax and I felt very uncomfortable. Most of my stress was due to school, work, projects, and unfortunately family issues. At one point in my life I truly felt like there wasn't ever going to be a way to control my feelings and anxiety. I figured, as long as I have to deal with these every-day tasks, I will probably be dealing with stress. 

So, I decided one day that I would do some research and find a therapist. Luckily, I found one that has helped me so much and has improved my life in so many ways that I didn't think she could help me with. A year ago, I was level 10 anxiety, total hypochondriac, always worried what others thought of me, constantly putting myself down, and had ZERO confidence in my talents. A number of things were causing this: taking on 18 credits (totally did it to myself), not getting enough exercise, not eating a healthy diet, being too-involved (when I am anxious, I find things to do-too many things), and I found out my dad has chronic kidney failure. It has felt like a number of things piled on my shoulders, definitely too much for one to handle and my therapist has helped me find a medium. 

"That's not your backpack," is what my therapist told me from day 1. At first, it's hard for one to break this sentence down and understand it/apply it to your life. Everytime I came to her, worried about finances, my dad, other things, she repeated-- not your backpack. Yea, easier said than done. How could I NOT worry about my dad? It's really fucked up to see someone you love have to suffer. And since he does not make enough money, I worry if he has the funds to support himself while dealing with dialysis 3 times a week. As his daughter, I wish I could provide for him and care for him, but how would I balance this with everything else going on? and how come it is so easy for people to be confronted with problems and turn away by thinking of that phrase-- not my backpack. 

For years, I have tried to motivate my dad and ask him to take care of himself for me. As hard as it is to say this, he failed at trying. And it's not my fault. It isn't anyones fault. We live our own lives the way we want. My dad decided that working and even singing (doing what he loves) was more important than taking the extra effort into caring for himself. My dad is such a go-getter and loves to work and always has cool ideas, yet is the laziest person when it comes to living a healthy lifestyle. Not so good with someone who has diabetes! So, my therapist told me that coping with his disease will only happen when I accept reality and let him solve his problems. 

Don't get me wrong, every-single-day I think about him. I wonder if being in school right now is the best option for me or if I should be home caring for him. But, now I remind myself of the man my father is. He is a man who is and has always been perfectly capable of maintaing a healthy life-style. There isn't anything else I could of done to make him change his habits. And believe me, I tried. Coming home with plastic containers, with motivational quotes like: "You got this dad! You're doing great!" I ended up finding in the trash. The multiple times I said: "wanna go for a walk down the street and get you moving?", the endless phone calls and face-to-face conversations, "dad, please don't make me have to see you in a casket. I want you to care for yourself."

I tried everything. Yet, my dad will be my dad. And you know what? People will be people. Everyone has their own habits (good and bad), their own flaws and definitely the strengths that make them great. And I don't think it's possible to have as much love for someone as I do for my father. He was not always around when I was little and honestly didn't do much for me and my sister, but I could never hold that against him because life is so short. And I realize now with the limited time I have left with him, that I shouldn't take every day with a negative mindset.  

I want you to think about someone you care about in your life who is stubborn or unwilling to make change. Someone who you worry and stress over... and I want you to ask yourself: 1) did having conversations change their ways? 2) did stressing over it cause you stress? if you answered no and yes, then guess what, stop putting their problems in your backpack. You aren't being selfish, I promise you. You aren't telling this person you don't care about them. You aren't going to stop supporting and motivating them, but you're going to understand that everyone is responsible for themselves. 

I think people often conceptualize the idea that the world revolves around making others happy, worrying about others, stressing over others... That's how I felt for a long time towards many people, friends, family. But, doing this is a waste of time and energy. It negatively impacts quality of life and at times becomes so unbearable that you feel lost and hopeless. Instead, I think channeling the energy you put into worrying about others should be put towards more positive. I call my dad at least once a day while I am at school or working. I let him vent to me about how much he hates dialysis and how much he regrets certain things in his life. As hard as it is to hear, I turn it around and tell him he is doing great and that I notice his commitment to treatment and remind him of how strong our relationship is: something I will NEVER in my life forget. A bond I hope to have with my kids. 

At the end of the day, I go to bed as Mia and so from now on, I will start believing that. My philosophy is that 'worrying', means you suffer twice. 

You're life is valuable. 

What you're doing now, and what your plans are in the future, should not come to an end because of stress. You're ability to be strong and move forward, should not be stopped by anxiety. And you know what? I am still trying to figure myself out... I am still trying to find ways to improve my life, but all it takes is that extra effort. So, if you're reading this please tell yourself to take everyone's problems out of your backpack, lift that extra weight off your shoulder and don't be afraid to take each day at a time. Because the amount of time you have on earth is not guaranteed. And not a single day of mine will be wasted. 

Best, 

Mia Sapienza